I’m done wincing at all the photos. I’m done walking off all the stiffness. I’m done dealing with denial.
Since Sunday, I’ve sworn off Advil capsules and Tylenol tablets. Every time I was tempted, I remembered my misery during Sunday’s marathon. People have e-mailed me to let me know I dodged a bullet. A potentially lethal bullet. They sent photos of people who didn’t do as well, who were hospitalized with kidney or liver failure. They sent me the names of doctors and begged me to get my internal organs checked out.
But I had a new job to start on Monday and before I could make the call, I was able to again bend my legs when walking, take the stairs and pretend that the pounding headaches and mysterious itching were better.
It’s weird because normally by now I’m back running and downloading training schedules, and yet the thought of doing either makes my stomach flip-flop. Someone last night said it’s because I polluted my body when my renal system temporarily seized up. Maybe some of those poisons reached my brain, because lately I’ve had toxic thoughts about my future as a marathoner.
I’ve begun to string together the growing disconnect between my plans and my performances and I’m ready to acknowledge that after all these years, I’m a different kind of runner. An older runner.
I’m 44. Not 14, when I finished first in my school’s mile race. Not 24, when I ran my toned little butt all over town. Not 34, when I handily won age group awards. I’ve still got a lot of years ahead of me, but it’s very likely my best running is now well behind me.
I was the oldest runner at the RBF gathering, and by more than a few years. Amazingly, this didn’t occur to me until the pictures started circulating and I wondered why I was the only one with wrinkles, baggy eyes, double chin, flabby arms and, um, other loose parts. The camera doesn’t lie, but it could certainly stand to flub some features for we who continue to cooperate. Until the lens and I resolve our differences, I’m heading back to bed for more beauty sleep…or perhaps the gym.
Maybe the marathon isn’t for me anymore. I mean, 12 years is a long time to be chasing BQs and PRs, and avoiding DNFs. I’ve failed at all of these. And, lately, I can’t even say I at least had fun trying. The doubts during the races are surfacing far sooner and being realized far more frequently. Soon as I fall off pace, I’m searching for excuses (and in the case of Sunday, stretchers!).
That said, I’m still committed to doing Chicago in the fall. If it ends up being my swan song, it’ll be fitting. I’m running with my sister, the same sister who convinced me to sign up with her for a marathon so many years ago. Then I was a mom of young kids; now she is. Then she was full of self-doubt; now I am. Then she was skinny;…wait, she’s still skinny. And I’m not. Okay, let’s stop right here.
Chicago could end my marathon life. Or it could be the first of many I run after reconciling my age with realistic expectations. Then again, there’s always the chance this is the one – this will be my BQ. My PR. My redemption run.
24 comments:
i'm sorry but you're my hero. i want to be at your age with all your experience and wisdom under my belt. i hope your appreciate just how much you've accomplished and how much it really inspires other people...hopefully it can still inspire you :)
God, think of how quickly your body would age if you DIDN'T train for marathons.
I don't think age is a reason to give up something you love. You just have to adjust your expectations a bit. Recover well, then get back out there and go after whatever goals you set.
pshaw. you're only a couple years older than me and the same age as smsmh. you're only as old as you feel! i know you've got the fire of that 14 year old inside you. that is obvious to anyone that reads you or talks to you in person.
i believe that you've still got juice those legs, anne. don't resign yourself just yet.
I was reading your post, and feeling kind of sad, then I got to the last sentence and I laughed!
"Then again, there’s always the chance this is the one – this will be my BQ. My PR. My redemption run."
If that's not spoken like a true runner, then I don't know what is!
I agree with jeff - you are only as old as you feel. I'm sure if you weren't running things would be very different!
I LOVE your last paragraph - so poignant.
Welcome to my world. The world where PR's and BQ's are not as important as enjoying the momment.
Remember, We all get the same medal, shouldn't we enjoy the journey that takes us there.
RR
Way to go on your marathon! Think positive! Who knows where you will be with your running by the time Chicago comes around! I don't think you are ever too old to be running!
Granted it sounded like you did come close to an edge and that is good reason to be gun shy, but you did dodge the bullet and I think you should think about getting back on the horse. The age of the RBF get-together probably says more about bloggers than it does runners, that's my guess. You're my hero too!
From the perspective of someone who only started to run recently, these past few years, I've been amazed at what I've been able to do. I see it as a big benefit that I'm not able to compare it to anything that I once did.
Whatever lies ahead, I'd still read your blog because I'm sure you'd have something interesting to share!
God, what a load of mixed metaphors started off that (my) last comment!
if you're old, then I must be ANCIENT!! :) I know it was a tough, and apparently, potentially very dangerous race for you, but i would still KILL for that time!
give yourself some time to go thru the post-marathon blues, then you can re-evaluate what you want to do with your running. meantime, enjoy yourself, and good luck at that new job!
You're title post says it all, "Only time and training will tell." You'll figure out what you want to do next. There was a 50 year old woman in one of my swim clinics who has run marathons all over the world who was transitioning from that distance to triathlons. It was very inspiring to see her get in the water without any need to win the race. Whatever you decide...you'll do great! be well.
It was great to meet you in San Diego, thanks for organizing lunch. Don't stop running, I just started reading your blog (and we know, it's all about ME!) lol :)
Say it ain't so Anne! I'm only a year behind you, but I didn't start running until I was about to turn 40. Life starts at 40, right? At least that's what they told me ...
It's not about the age, nor the race time. It's not about PRs, nor BQs. It's not about where you compare to the other RBfers, nor is it about where you are compared to where you were 20 years ago.
It's about doing something for yourself. Something you enjoy, something you get something good from. Something that has been part of your life for a long time, like a best friend that has been by yourside through the good and bad.
Don't give it up because of a race that didn't turn out like you wanted or expected. Let it redefine you as a runner if necessary. Maybe you are at a point where you want to run halfs, maybe you want to get involved in coaching the younger, less experienced of the bunch. Maybe you need to let go of the notion of PRs and BQs. Join us back of the packers where the only goal is to crawl across the finish. :)
Anne --
I agree with donald, rolly, beansprout and runnergirl. Do what you love to do, but do it mindfully, with an eye toward your overall health. As I've recently been reminded, life is not a dress rehearsal. This is the only life you've got -- use it well.
Anne, life goes up and down. You pretty much know what happened Sunday, so you should be on your way back up soon, right? Don't give in just yet. A BQ is a great goal, but it must not be the only reason we run, right? Looking back can be good, but we can't stay there, we got to keep looking and moving forward.
ummm, you had better not be talking about my new bff running partner!? 'cause your 44 years young beautiful body could kick my almost your age butt ANY DAY!
As a fledgling runner, you are one of my biggest inspirations, Anne. I can always count on your blog for nuggets of information and motivation. You are a shining example for people like me.
After a short break to heal your body and mind, I'm sure you'll be out there again. You've got many years of marathons and quality running ahead of you.
I swim with some masters swimmers who are in their eighties and have been competing for 70 years. The advice they usually give me is to treat each year as a clean slate. Then they focus on achieving "seasonal best" times instead of "personal best" times. Already, I'm learning from those guys. I my last swim meet, I was over the moon when I swam a seasonal best time of 31.92 seconds for 50 meter butterfly, even though my personal best was less than 30 seconds.
Speaking of swimming, why not save your joints some stress and mix some swimming into your routine?
And who needs Advil when you've got ice and Tiger Balm (or similar ointments).
Keep inspiring me, Anne! :-)
You have so many thoughts going on, and there's so much great advice here. Remember that it's okay to stop and re-evaluate what you want and what your goals are. I'd have to echo everyone else on how much of an inspiration you are - give yourself some time to think.
I am late to congrat for your wonderful marathon and the great final time!
You are not old, you are a runner!
Lordy....if being flabby means you cannot run marathons, then I should have stopped before I started. You totally kick my butt WHENEVER you run. You are an inspiration and an AMAZING athlete.
I think you have running deep within you. You will be back. :-) Now you know to be careful, that's all.
BTW, I am running Chicago too. You'll kick my butt then too.
You are an awesome runner and I highly doubt Chicago will be your last!!! Don't let a few bad runs/races get you down.
Oh, man! You can decide AFTER Chicago if you're going to keep running marathons. But until then, you gotta believe that you own the race. You can do it!
it's all about the fun. you can still have fun, even if you think you are too old to do marathons!
i always think of running as a sport i grow into. maybe you just need to become an ultrarunner - they only get better with age! ;)
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